Blues

Post natal blues is not something to play play... I never thought that I would get it but I got it... Depression hit me on and off.. sometimes I feel okay but sometimes I don't.. When it hit me, my imagination will run wild.. I will think of the unthinkable and often bad things... I even thought of deserting my baby, suicide, just all sorts of bad stuff... but luckily I still have some sense in me.. whenever I thought of my family, suicide thoughts will go away... And I also will do weird stuff, such as running away, spend money or anyhow throw things.. anyway, I did before, run away to shop, and throw some of my stuff away without thinking..

Since last Wed, my baby has been staying in my mum's house, who has given her the best care ever.. I don't think I am a good mother, so placing her in my mum's care is so much better.. my mum also feel better at home.. where she can multitask, do her chores and take care of baby at the same time.. I admire her, so hardworking, capable and able to do things in a very short time.. I can never imagine myself able to do all the chores, cook and taking care of a baby.. when I ask my mother how is she able to cope, she just smile and say, "Last time when all of you were little I also do the same mah..." Yup, she did, when we were little, she took care of all of us without any help at all, and even manage the household well.. and when we were in primary school age, she became a baby sitter for the extra cash.. all she can cope well.. and she never complain.. I can never do the same.. I think I am just a lazy bum and an incapable mum.. I never want to do extra, such as washing, cleaning extra.. I only want to do enough.. my mum is the one to go the extra mile... I love mummy... I hope in future my daughter can be filial to my mum... I will teach her so..

I am feeling better today, after a good night rest and shopping with mum and baby... we can resume the old life we had except we have extra baggage now.. in the past when I was on leave, I would accompany my mum to go grocery shopping and makan.. my sis seldom did so, if she is on leave, she would just bum at home.. unlike me, who has always been accompanying my mum to most places.. or vice versa... when I had the baby, we couldn't go shopping like the past, I felt so down and that's why I was depressed.. I miss my mother, cuz during my confinement, I could not go out or go to her house.. noone talks to me, I feel lonely... thankfully now, I can put my baby in her care and come to her house everyday, from morning till night.. I must learn to manage my time better so that I can stay at her house all day and still able to do my own chores without help...

My other family members also gave me much help... although we never express our affection openly we care alot about each other.. such as my sister who is the 2nd person to render me much help.. running my errands, become my personal shopper while I was under confinement.. she even bought alot of stuff for my baby... and also the emotional support... my brother in law who is always quiet but always there to help.. my Dad, although he didn't really take care of my baby directly but I know if I am sad he will also be sad.. my brother, we seldom talk but I think he still cares.. my sis in law for all the advice she gave, care and concern... Love all of them..

Thank you mummy, without you there wouldn't be me...