Sour Heaven
Okie, so last nite i teared again.. just before I fell asleep, images of him and of our past drifted to my mind.. i couldnt hold back the tears.. it has been 107 days into the breakup and 113 days since he broke my heart.. it has been a rough journey, i almost couldnt recognise myself.. i've fallen into destitution, depression, desolation, despondency , despair ~ all the des- words i can think of.. almost ended my life *face down*.. i was just thinking, why shd i continue living if there are so many unhappy things bothering me?? its such a misery to continue exising, perishing might be a good way to end everything.. i cant forget him, i cant forget the past.. 3 mths has not diluted the feelings i felt for the relationship.. i knew it in my heart that this time the feeling is much stronger than the feelings i felt for JK.. JK is nothing.. I just kept on planning on our future, abt marriage and abt getting old and stuff.. i always tot he was with me, or, he will be with me.. but he wasnt.. our happiness was short.. we only had 5 mths.. the honeymoon period ended in just 1 mth.. we were both too busy and tat was the time his new office started operations.. we dun have time for each other..
last nite, while i was helping sis with her resume, she mentioned "die for love? such a crazy and stupid thing to do... blah blah blah..." she was refering to other people.. but it set me thinking.. i almost ended my life the same way.. i am considered silly.. this morning, i read elena's blog and discovered tat she is unhappy.. she looked so smiley to me.. so its called behind every smiling face hides a weeping heart..
our breakup was not ordinary.. it was a story without a proper ending.. or shd i say, the ending wasnt proper at all.. noone knew 100% of the true story besides me.. i think the only person who has came close to 95% is lian-jie.. i could say that if w/o her, i might be in heaven now.. the hurt he implanted on me could take yrs to heal.. i never really understand him till we broke up.. our relationship has always been happy.. i would consider it to be a wonderful relationship, no argument, we gave in to each other and i cared for him.. i was an understanding gf.. how much can a bf expect from a gf like me.. whenever he said he had to work, i would not bother him.. i would not pester him to go shopping with me.. i knew he's tired and i never demand.. i knew he doesnt earn much and i never ask him to buy anything for me.. i was just there saving hard, saving for our future.. his future is unpredictable.. his business could be either a success or a failure.. though i dun wish it to be a failure but i had to make provisions for the future.. but these are all in the past.. bury the hatchet..
it set me thinking all the time.. WHY? why did he choose to hurt me among his gfs? i knew the stories all the way to his first.. i was hurt the deepest, but he claimed that i was the nicest.. so, why did he choose to hurt the nicest?? i dun get it.. he said i was too good to him.. was being too good a sin? i couldnt recover at all after 107 days.. it has been full of ups and downs.. one day i woke up, i decided to change everything.. i just dun wanna care abt everything, dun care abt other pple's feelings, dun care abt how pple look at me.. i became more materialistic, i just shopped and shopped.. drowning myself with merchandises and newbies... but it all went back to square one.. it wasnt me.. why was i trying to forge an identity which i dun belong? i am those who would let the elderly take my seat on a crowded bus, i am those who would go the extra mile for frens.. why am i acting selfish, making others detest me, and i detest myself...??? i knew i can never go back to the old wendy again.. (shd i change my name??)
To all the younger gals: it is not hurting when ur bf acts nonchalant or does not listen to you.. having arguments is not sadness, it is a channel to make u and ur partner understand each other better.. or at least, he's being honest to u.. the truest hurt is when ur bf is smiling at u and treats u fantastically on the surface, but behind ur back, he did things that really hurt u.. i mean, really hurting -- straying, lies, hides away his feelings, dislike u for stuff but he would not correct u, etc.. and he tried to vent his frustrations on u or hurt u further when someone else hurt him.. this is called a true blue jerk.. and too bad, i have fallen in love with the jerk of the century.. he is AL.. cuddly, baby-faced, sweet on the outside but sour in the inside.. half of his heart is made of charcoal which i only knew after we broke up.. half of it is a good heart which derives from his birth and at that time when i knew him.. the charcoal part was when he met her, and they hurt me together.. I could not bear to curse him cuz the tot itself made me cry.. God knows what to do with them..
last nite, while i was helping sis with her resume, she mentioned "die for love? such a crazy and stupid thing to do... blah blah blah..." she was refering to other people.. but it set me thinking.. i almost ended my life the same way.. i am considered silly.. this morning, i read elena's blog and discovered tat she is unhappy.. she looked so smiley to me.. so its called behind every smiling face hides a weeping heart..
our breakup was not ordinary.. it was a story without a proper ending.. or shd i say, the ending wasnt proper at all.. noone knew 100% of the true story besides me.. i think the only person who has came close to 95% is lian-jie.. i could say that if w/o her, i might be in heaven now.. the hurt he implanted on me could take yrs to heal.. i never really understand him till we broke up.. our relationship has always been happy.. i would consider it to be a wonderful relationship, no argument, we gave in to each other and i cared for him.. i was an understanding gf.. how much can a bf expect from a gf like me.. whenever he said he had to work, i would not bother him.. i would not pester him to go shopping with me.. i knew he's tired and i never demand.. i knew he doesnt earn much and i never ask him to buy anything for me.. i was just there saving hard, saving for our future.. his future is unpredictable.. his business could be either a success or a failure.. though i dun wish it to be a failure but i had to make provisions for the future.. but these are all in the past.. bury the hatchet..
it set me thinking all the time.. WHY? why did he choose to hurt me among his gfs? i knew the stories all the way to his first.. i was hurt the deepest, but he claimed that i was the nicest.. so, why did he choose to hurt the nicest?? i dun get it.. he said i was too good to him.. was being too good a sin? i couldnt recover at all after 107 days.. it has been full of ups and downs.. one day i woke up, i decided to change everything.. i just dun wanna care abt everything, dun care abt other pple's feelings, dun care abt how pple look at me.. i became more materialistic, i just shopped and shopped.. drowning myself with merchandises and newbies... but it all went back to square one.. it wasnt me.. why was i trying to forge an identity which i dun belong? i am those who would let the elderly take my seat on a crowded bus, i am those who would go the extra mile for frens.. why am i acting selfish, making others detest me, and i detest myself...??? i knew i can never go back to the old wendy again.. (shd i change my name??)
To all the younger gals: it is not hurting when ur bf acts nonchalant or does not listen to you.. having arguments is not sadness, it is a channel to make u and ur partner understand each other better.. or at least, he's being honest to u.. the truest hurt is when ur bf is smiling at u and treats u fantastically on the surface, but behind ur back, he did things that really hurt u.. i mean, really hurting -- straying, lies, hides away his feelings, dislike u for stuff but he would not correct u, etc.. and he tried to vent his frustrations on u or hurt u further when someone else hurt him.. this is called a true blue jerk.. and too bad, i have fallen in love with the jerk of the century.. he is AL.. cuddly, baby-faced, sweet on the outside but sour in the inside.. half of his heart is made of charcoal which i only knew after we broke up.. half of it is a good heart which derives from his birth and at that time when i knew him.. the charcoal part was when he met her, and they hurt me together.. I could not bear to curse him cuz the tot itself made me cry.. God knows what to do with them..
posted by wEnDy @ 9:22 AM
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