After confinement

So, after confinement, my baby has been staying in my mum's house and she has been well taken care of. I really appreciate my mum for everything, taking care of my baby almost 24/7, allowing me to have good nights sleep as well as able to go out at night for movie once a week.. We watched Ip Man 2 last night and I really enjoyed these nights out.. although we can only go out after 9pm and straight home after the movie, I am contented enough for this, at least I have some "life" :D

Blues

Post natal blues is not something to play play... I never thought that I would get it but I got it... Depression hit me on and off.. sometimes I feel okay but sometimes I don't.. When it hit me, my imagination will run wild.. I will think of the unthinkable and often bad things... I even thought of deserting my baby, suicide, just all sorts of bad stuff... but luckily I still have some sense in me.. whenever I thought of my family, suicide thoughts will go away... And I also will do weird stuff, such as running away, spend money or anyhow throw things.. anyway, I did before, run away to shop, and throw some of my stuff away without thinking..

Since last Wed, my baby has been staying in my mum's house, who has given her the best care ever.. I don't think I am a good mother, so placing her in my mum's care is so much better.. my mum also feel better at home.. where she can multitask, do her chores and take care of baby at the same time.. I admire her, so hardworking, capable and able to do things in a very short time.. I can never imagine myself able to do all the chores, cook and taking care of a baby.. when I ask my mother how is she able to cope, she just smile and say, "Last time when all of you were little I also do the same mah..." Yup, she did, when we were little, she took care of all of us without any help at all, and even manage the household well.. and when we were in primary school age, she became a baby sitter for the extra cash.. all she can cope well.. and she never complain.. I can never do the same.. I think I am just a lazy bum and an incapable mum.. I never want to do extra, such as washing, cleaning extra.. I only want to do enough.. my mum is the one to go the extra mile... I love mummy... I hope in future my daughter can be filial to my mum... I will teach her so..

I am feeling better today, after a good night rest and shopping with mum and baby... we can resume the old life we had except we have extra baggage now.. in the past when I was on leave, I would accompany my mum to go grocery shopping and makan.. my sis seldom did so, if she is on leave, she would just bum at home.. unlike me, who has always been accompanying my mum to most places.. or vice versa... when I had the baby, we couldn't go shopping like the past, I felt so down and that's why I was depressed.. I miss my mother, cuz during my confinement, I could not go out or go to her house.. noone talks to me, I feel lonely... thankfully now, I can put my baby in her care and come to her house everyday, from morning till night.. I must learn to manage my time better so that I can stay at her house all day and still able to do my own chores without help...

My other family members also gave me much help... although we never express our affection openly we care alot about each other.. such as my sister who is the 2nd person to render me much help.. running my errands, become my personal shopper while I was under confinement.. she even bought alot of stuff for my baby... and also the emotional support... my brother in law who is always quiet but always there to help.. my Dad, although he didn't really take care of my baby directly but I know if I am sad he will also be sad.. my brother, we seldom talk but I think he still cares.. my sis in law for all the advice she gave, care and concern... Love all of them..

Thank you mummy, without you there wouldn't be me...

Better

Better mood today :)

I am writting this post in my mum's place.. the last month passed like a mist.. I am still overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for a baby.. To be frank, I still can't get used to being a mother.. I still feel that I am a child who needs someone else to care for me, i.e. my mother.. My mood is like a rollar coaster.. sometimes I feel well, sometimes I feel depressed and kept crying.. it happened to me like as if I didn't know what I was doing and I just let my imagination went wild.. I also cannot control my thinking... sometimes I think of bad things, and I also thought of undoing everything and go back to before...

Things got abit better since yesterday evening when I handover my baby to my mother.. I went home for a good night's rest... and today, my bb remains at my mum's place while I come over to her house.. I think this is a better arrangement, better than she coming over to my place... I really don't know what to do without my mother.. she really has a way with babies and my girl is so well behaved when in her house.. unlike in my house, she is like a terror.. I just cry non stop when she cries... I am really grateful to my mum, what did I do to deserve such a good mother? She really sacrifices her everything for us.. I heartpain her as I made her so tired over the past one month but she never once complain.. she just smile at my baby even though she cries and cries sometimes... my mum also never collect money or talk about the money issue.. even when I want to give her more cash for the extra utility my bb would use in the house, she doesnt want to accept.. my mum is known to be thrifty and always try to save utility.. but for this, she never want to collect any extras from me.. I am so touched.. and I felt stupid and regretful as I had been bad in the past... I used to be naughty and made her angry all the time.. mothers are great.. I dunno whether I will be a good mother or not, but I think I will never be as good as her....

Thank God for my mother.. I love you, mummy!!!!!!

Very tired

Yes I am very tired and very sleepy.. but still have to keep on going.. today is another day that I feel weepy AGAIN... one word from my MIL made me keep repeating it to myself.. SACRIFICE...

Tomorrow is baby's full month celebration. I am hoping it will be smooth and everything will start and end soon... I am super tired, I am going for a nap..

Stress :(

Being a mother is really not easy.. I am feeling down again today.. and feeling the urge to cry... I really admire the great patience that my mum has.. I admit I am really not so patient with babies, especially when they cry... Looking at my baby when she is sleeping, she is so angelic and innocent and I just wanna hug and kiss her.. but when she turns into a crying baby, I just don't know what to do.. yesterday was a bad day.. I hate to admit this, but I had the stupid thought of giving her up.. It is strange, I almost feel that she doesn't like me.. cuz when there are people in the house, such as my mum or her daddy, she won't cry as badly.. but when only myself and her are alone in the house, she will do it to me.. cry very very hard that I am at my wits end... hard to say but such a coincidence.. she was fine and sleeping when my mum was around, but as soon as she left, she began to cry very very hard.. leaving me all panicky and upset.. it has happened more than once.. it also happened before when her daddy left for appointments, leaving us alone.. I really don't know what to do in situations like this.. I cried badly last night and called her daddy for help.. I really don't want to do this to disturb others, but I had to.. I had to give her to someone else to care for while I have to take a rest or sleep.. I can't take it anymore..

It was raining again this afternoon but it doesn't help my sweating bit.. the heaty food and drinks make me sweat like a pig.. I have never sweat this much in my entire life.. I am known as a person who doesn't sweat, even attending an aerobics class.. but now I am a PIG...

I had the urge to get out of the house, to get away, do shopping and spend some money.. so even though it was pouring, when I was done with one feeding, I told everyone in the house I am going out for a walk and that's it, even though the old folks say I shouldn't go under the rain.. I really don't care.. I had to get away.. So the nearest place I went to was Rivervale mall, where I spent a total of about 45 mins quick shopping and spending some money to make myself a little happier.. I went to Daiso, just picked up something that I think I might need but not for now.. I just had to buy something.. I know I had limited time, so I just walked ONE round in Daiso and paid for that shoe hanger which I mindlessly took.. next, I went to a kiddy store and bought 2 pairs of mittens and booties in less than 3 mins, they are cheap, only $4 in total... Then I went to Fairprice, where I bought tissue paper, wet tissue and apples for fun.. I also bought a cake and teh-O for my afternoon tea break.. It was a rushy trip, in less than 45 mins, I am home despite the slow walking due to wet floor... It didnt really make me feel very well after this quick trip but it certainly perk me up alittle..

I think I am really not used to staying at home all day and taking care of a baby which requires so much care and attention.. I am really not one to keep locked up at home doing nothing, except feeding, changing diapers and soothing a crying child.. I wanna go out, walk, window shop etc, all these make me ME... For the past few weeks since I give birth, I have never step out of my house except going for checkups, twice for baby and once myself.. I didnt even go out of the house to throw rubbish... staying at home almost kill me.. but I can't just throw my baby aside and go out.. what I really wish is that she could grow up faster faster so that she is better to care for and I can go out on my own or bring her along...

Another mishap.. I dunno what to call it... last night we test run to put the baby in the air con room.. (she has been sleeping in the living room for the past 3 weeks with my mum at night to care for her) I didnt sleep the whole night.. she is snoring so loud for such a small baby.. and wake up at 3.30am and 6.30am SHARP for her milk feeds.. she is probably not used to the air con and it could be too cold for her to breathe smoothly.. so my mun suggested that we bring her over to her house at night.. she will take care of her while we could sleep undisturbed.. however, my in laws told us we cannot bring babies out at night especially before her full month.. and not even till she is a few months old.. it was a blow to me.. we had thought of passing her to my mum tonight and then we could go out for a spin.. I wanted this badly.. I need a breather... but for the good of her and myself I decided to keep her at home tonight... tomorrow onwards will be another test to us as my mother cannot come over already, my sister is going on a trip and she needs to be at home with ah pok... and from sunday onwards after the full month celebration, it is our call already... I also want to have a dateline for my mum as I can't bear to see her sleep on the couch anymore as she has done so for the past few weeks.. seeing my mum I can't see myself as I really don't have her patience..

I can only pray that she can be better to care for and hope I will have more patience and cry less... I think I will feel badly after throwing all this out.. Its making me cry again.. Oh dear...